At my first OB appointment and ultrasound, I discovered that my beautiful baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing and developing nearly 2 weeks before. Devastated is putting it pretty damn mildly. I'm okay unless I'm by myself and have time to think (like this morning).
Today I woke up because I had to pee at 6 am. Just like nearly every morning since I found out I was pregnant. I brushed my teeth and nearly barfed several times, just like every morning since I found out I was pregnant...if I didn't know better, I'd have no idea that my baby wasn't alive and well and floating happily in my belly.
I still have a belly.
In fact, everything is exactly the same. Except now I KNOW I won't be having a baby come September.
For now, I'm just waiting for my body to do what I know it will do. Just waiting for it to all be over. And hoping for a miracle of some kind. Its been over 4 weeks since my baby's heart stopped thumping.
Here are my thoughts to my unborn lost little one:
Dear Biscuit---
I love you more than you will ever know. Daddy and I tried so hard to create you and waited months and months for those two beautiful pink lines. When I got that faint positive, I almost didn't believe it. I didn't FEEL pregnant. With both of my earlier pregnancies (your lost big brother and your Big Brother Smidget), I just KNEW before I ever peed on a stick. This time I peed because a friend suggested I should---dared me, really. And being the addict for pregnancy tests that I was, I did.
I planned to tell Daddy in some cutesy way, but I got too excited and texted him. I held onto that stick ALL day and every time I'd glance at it my heart would race and I just was so excited that I could barely contain myself. I posted pictures online and shared it with a few friends. We called your grandparents and told them. Everyone was so super excited! Especially Big Daddy. He said he's definitely ready for more grandbabies. He put in his order for another boy, because he's a little scared of baby girls and wants to keep the numbers even for grandbabies.
I think I peed on 30 pregnancy tests in the weeks following. And I danced. I loved watching them get darker and darker. I loved knowing that you were in there growing and becoming a tiny little person. I started taking belly pictures immediately too. I got to watch you grow from the outside and was already so excited to think about the changes that were happening to my body as a result of the changes in yours. I loved teaching your brother about the baby in Mama's belly. He would give you kisses and blow raspberries for you and pet you. And if you ask him where the baby is he'd either blow a raspberry on my tummy or he'd lift his shirt and show me HIS belly. He didn't quite understand the concept, but he would have made such an amazing big brother to you. He would have loved you so much. SO much.
Daddy was so excited. I know a lot of Daddies want toddlers, not little newborn babies, but not YOUR Daddy. He was excited to feel you kick and watch you be born and to dress you in your teeny clothes and snuggle you and even to change your diapers and rock you to sleep. He kept talking about all the silly things we used to do with your big brother when he was teeny and wondering if you'd like the same things or if you'd want new things. We kept talking about how we wanted you to never have to drink yucky formula or wear awful paper diapers and how I wanted to baby-wear so you'd be close to me always and wondered if you'd be as big as your brother when you were finally born. Mommy knew that if she could give birth to your big ol' brother without pain meds that she could do it again, but she was a little worried you'd go over the 10lb mark that your brother came so close to. 10lbs seemed a little bit scary, but I KNEW I could do it. I was actually looking forward to it, because I know that once I make it to Labor & Delivery, that I'll be SO close to meeting you. SO CLOSE!.
But now I know I'll never get that opportunity. You won't be born anywhere near your bother's birth weight. I won't go over due again. I won't ever hold you in my arms and sing you to sleep or nurse you at my breast and watch you fall into that amazing milk-drunk trance. I won't ever dress you up and be amazed at how tiny your shirts are or lock you in your carseat just to triple check it again and again to make sure you're safe. I won't ever get to place you in your Daddy's arms and watch him melt. I won't ever get to call your grandma and grandpa with updates about your first smile or your first word or send them pictures of you and all your amazing beauty.
And you'll never really know the depth and breadth of our love for you. As I watched that ultrasound on that awful day when we saw that your heart had stopped beating inside me, the sobs overwhelmed me. I watched as you floated in there being shaken ever so gently by the awful sobs that totally consumed me. As I cried, I couldn't help but think that you probably hated being shaken up.
I saw your heart beating once. For only a few seconds. But those few moments were the most perfect moments of my life. I know you lived. I know at some point you lived and moved and felt this love I feel for you. And I know that wherever your tiny little soul lives now, that you KNOW that your Mama will always love you. Always.
You have not disappointed me, baby. You could never do that. Not ever. You are everything a Mama could ever want. You are beautiful with your teeny toes and your fingers up by your face. You have such long gorgeous legs, just like your brother and Daddy. And when I saw your profile I saw your nose turns up on the end just like Mommy's nose. You are so perfect and amazing. And I feel so awful that I couldn't keep you forever. That I won't get to watch you grow up to be the beautiful person that I know you would be. Or wonder if you'd have my dark hair and green eyes, or daddy's chocolate brown eyes, or maybe even your brother's unexpected combination of blond hair and blue eyes. Would you have wavy hair like Grandma or straight like Mama? Are you a little boy or a little girl?
I am so very in love with you. I prayed continuously that God would grant me some miracle and that I wouldn't start bleeding. That I'd go back to follow up with the doctor and he'd discover your perfect little heart beating away. But, in my head, I knew that it wouldn't happen that way. I just knew. But my heart still can't accept it yet. My heart still has hope for you, baby. So much.
So, as I sit here on the couch, with tears rolling down my face, awake only because my body still doesn't know you're gone and I still wake to pee at night..awake because I could not lay in bed and hold your brother without crying and I didn't want to wake him or Daddy...as I sit here, just know that I will ALWAYS love you with every part of me. And that I'm so sorry we didn't get more time together. And that I'll never kiss your face or feel your tiny fingers wrap around my thumb. I love you, baby. SOOOOO much. I hope you know that. I will love you and both your siblings with every single breath, every single beat of my heart, for the rest of my life. So much that it hurts. And until I can be with ALL of you again someday, just know that Mommy is here if you ever need her and that I will be thinking of you.
Your big brother is almost 3 now. He was only your age when we lost him, but he's a big boy now. He'll watch out for you til Mommy gets there, baby. He'll take care of you. Just go sit on Great-grandpa's lap and he'll tell you stories and snuggle you and your big brother will play with you. I love you both, tell him that for me. So much.
I will miss you little one. Always. Mommy wanted you SO much. I will always remember you. Your big brother Gabriel and your big brother Ax both love you. And, although we haven't given you a name yet, you are not loved ANY less. I sit here with you still in my belly, not knowing when the worst will come...but know that I treasure every day that I get to keep you with me and know that when you're ready to say goodbye to your Mama that you'll be born and find your way. Until then, I know you can hear mama's big ol' heart pumping away with love for all her perfect little babies.
Mama loves you so very much. Always remember that, little one. You'll always be my little Biscuit.
Love,
Mama.
He was very perturbed by me taking his picture...
But quickly decided that "cheesing" was more fun :D
The spaghettios were good while they lasted, but he's still feeling very lethargic. He might be hungry and holding down food, but the poor Smidget still feels all yucky inside. But that's what Mamas are for--- for making the babies ALL BETTER!
