The Odds Are Against Me

WARNING: This post is pointless. Just venting frustrations and getting somethings off my chest. Feel free to ignore it.

I've had 6 pregnancies. Only one "successful"

9/2007 Chemical.
4/2008 Miscarriage at 12 weeks.
6/2009 Live birth at 40 weeks of 10lb baby (now age 2.5)
9/2010 Chemical.
4/2011 Miscarriage at 15 weeks
10/2011 Live birth at 23 weeks of 1.5 lb baby who lived about an hour..

I keep being asked whether we'll try again.
We will. Just as soon as I am medically cleared. I'm not replacing Deagan or my other lost babies, I'm seeking the child I still don't have. The one I get to bring home and love. The one that my son can big-brother and I can nurse. I hunger to be a mother. When children are taken from me, it doesn't diminish that hunger, it intensifies it. So, yes, we will try again.

I keep being asked whether I can do it again.
The truth? I don't know. But, there are no guarantees in life. You don't know what will happen from one day to the next. If you start not doing things because you're afraid of the possible consequences, then you're not living your life. Sure, you have to weigh things out and determine whether outcome is worth the risk. And, to me, a healthy baby is worth the risk. My body is proven, we KNOW I can have a baby. So, I have to try. I'm incomplete. So, I'll keep trying until I'm complete or until my body can't do it. I'm hoping I find completion before that.

I keep being asked if I'm afraid it'll happen again.
I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. And I hope to never again feel my child take a last breath. People say "I can't imagine" and they're absolutely right. They CAN'T imagine. And I hope that I never have to live it again. Its bad enough reliving it in my head every day. But I can't let fear control my life. Victims let fear control them. I've never been a victim and I never will. I am a survivor.

And I keep being told that I should hold my eldest son a little closer or appreciate him more now.
I already loved and appreciated him as much as it is possible to love and appreciate another human being. I already knew how amazing he is. I already know that he's the most beautiful, smartest, and sweetest little guy in the whole world. My kid didn't need to die so I'd appreciate his big brother. My child didn't need to die so that I would learn a lesson or be a better mom or more patient or more understanding. I was already a fucking fantastic mom. I give my eldest son at least 100 kisses a day. I tell him I love him at least 100 times a day. I hug him and squeeze him more often than any other mom I know. I lost 1 baby and 1 chemical before him, but even they didn't teach me to love him any more because its not POSSIBLE to love him more. I've ALWAYS known that he was a gift from God. I didn't need dead babies to teach me that. Thanks for the sentiment. I know you mean well.


Sorry to dump on y'all. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and frustrated right now.