"Lessons" to learn? I don't think so.

Can I just say this:

Losing a baby doesn't make me stronger. I was already strong to begin with. Losing a baby weakens me. It puts dents and holes in my armor. Losing a baby doesn't make you stronger, it makes you realize how strong you already were---but not til after you spend weeks or months feeling weaker than you've ever felt in your life. I am not strong right now. I am a sobbing weak mess. But, someday I will be strong. Some day I will be able to speak his name without a catch in my breath or a lump in my throat or tears in my eyes. That day is not today.

Losing a baby does not make me a better mother to my oldest---nor does it make me love him more or hold him tighter. It would be impossible for me to love him more than I already did from the moment he was conceived. Sure, every mom can improve, but I will not improve because another baby died, I will improve because I find that things don't work and I try something else.

So, please stop acting like this makes me stronger or a better person; like this improves me or who I am in any way. And please stop acting like I have some lesson to learn from this. I was already a good person. I was already an amazing mother. I was already patient and loving and giving. This will not change who I am on a core level. It is merely a burden I have to bear for some unknown reason. Sure, everything that happens shapes who I am, but this loss didn't teach me anything good.

It made me trust my body less.
It made me hate myself more.
It made me more fearful and cautious.
It made me more jealous and angry.
It made me less hopeful.
It made me less joyous.

And I hope that someday I can work through all that and love my body and respect it again and not wake up every single day and feel guilty (even though my head KNOWS there was nothing I could have done). And I don't know if that will happen, but I do know that it will be a long journey. And, with every loss, I become less confident, less hopeful, that I will some day hold a baby of my own in my arms and to my breast and fall asleep with a baby on my chest smelling the top of it's head and sighing in utter peace. My greatest desire is to feel that again, and I am slowly becoming more and more sure that it will never happen again. And I hate that.