An Internal Debate:

When someone asks you how many kids I have, I have a minor panic attack. The answer comes automatically to me. I have two sons. Every part of my soul knows that I have two sons and its as clear to me as if it were tattooed on my forehead. But, while I have two, only one will actually be the recipient of all the mothering I will do, so I haven't figured out exactly how I should answer this question...

I find myself saying "two" and then they ask how old my other baby is and I say, "oh, he would have been ___" and such. I'm sure some people think I say it as a way of getting attention/pity, but its automatic. I DO have two children who were born alive into this world and have legal names on the books in some courthouse somewhere. One of them is not with me, but I met Deagan. I held him in my arms. I talked to him. I kissed him. I kissed his tiny face. I SAW his beautiful face. I mothered him, though only for a very short time. I love him just as much as anyone loves their living kids (myself included), so it feels wrong to not include him when someone asks how many kids I have.

He's not just a source of pain for me. He's a source of pure joy, even if I also grieve his loss. I am HAPPY when I think about him---or, rather, the time I had with him. I want to talk about him, not because I want people to know that I lost a baby, but because I am so PROUD of him and think he was the most beautiful baby on Earth and because he had so much personality for someone who weighed less than a pound and a half. And I do not mind having that conversation about him with a stranger, but I hate the look of pity that comes across their face when they realize that he died. I hate that look.

But, look or no, I refuse to say that I only have one child. That is wrong. It would feel more right to say that I had 6 children than to say I only have one. 1, 2, 4, or 6: All are technically correct answers to the "How many children do you have?" question, depending on how I define "child," but it feels absolutely wrong to not include Deagan or show off a picture, etc.

And the "Is he your only one?" question I get while people watch him play at the park----that one has definitely made me burst into tears once or twice already.  Because "yes" and "no" are both correct. You should have seen the look on the face of the poor woman who asked me when I sobbed "he's the only one who is alive" and tried to not let Smidget see my face so he wouldn't realize I was crying and start crying too. Looked about like I suspect her face would look if she ran over me in her car or something. She was horrified that I had lost it, haha. It was like "OMG! I BROKE HER! LOOK WHAT I DID TO HER!!! HOW DO I FIX IT?!?"  Looking back, that look is hilarious. I didn't think so at the time!